Reasons Why Girls Won’t Date Me #4 - I Am A Self Loathing Drunkard
Upon turning 21 and becoming a grown ass man, I feel like a burden has been lifted up from my shoulders while also a curse has been put on me simultaneously. No longer must I roam the streets concealing my booze, as I will be granted entry into the swinging nightlife of the mecca that is Los Angeles. This could be a blessing or it may very well be the death of me.
The first time I ever had alcohol was the night after high school graduation. My friends and I sat at a table and we each laid out shots of vodka and foolishly thought of this as an easy task. Oh how wrong we were… my friend took a shot of vodka and then let it linger in his throat, and then proceeded to spew it across the table at yours truly. I then burst into laughter and proceeded to spew the vodka back at him. Every encounter with alcohol since then has been eerily reminiscent of that first feeble attempt at debauchery. Some people were born to drink, and I simply think I never will be in that category.
Anyways, regarding alcohol, we all know that it has the capability of changing people’s personalities and mannerisms. There are the angry drunks, loud obnoxious drunks, quiet drunks, sleepy drunks, hilarious drunks etc. While some are positives, and some are negatives, I feel as if I am in a class of my own, unparalleled in terms of pity and sorrow.
As a self loathing drunk, I am probably not the most fun person to be around. I am sure that I make people more uncomfortable than anything. I think I become very self loathing when I am drunk because I think of all the squandered possibilities that have occurred in my actual everyday life. I also begin to fear that I have become everything I have hated, and become the loud obnoxious drunken asshole.
Here are some prime examples of the depths of my pathetic and self loathing nature:
Example 1:
During the summer, upon waking up from my friends going away party, I discovered a slew of text messages on my phone. One of them simply said this: “I hate myself right now.”
At first I was a bit confused, but then I looked at the number and realized that it was none other than my own. That’s right, instead of drunk texting someone else, I just directed all the negative energy towards myself. For a self loathing drunkard, at least I am considerate of other people’s feelings, and I keep the annoyances relatively self contained.
Example 2:
Last weekend at a friends party, I proceeded to get trashed and I was lingering in the corner with a trash can. My friend came over and told me I should go mingle with the rest of the crowd, and perchance chat up a lady. I responded very adamantly and with vigor, “Who would want this?” while pointing at myself and hugging the trash can. Surprisingly some girl got up from a couch and proclaimed out loud that she would indeed have me. Unfortunately due to my unfortunate timing and level of inebriation, I immediately vomited into the trash can, sending mixed messages towards her and thus nullifying her previous acceptance of me.
Example 3:
This occurred in the same night, possibly an hour or two later. As my friend was looking for serving materials for her birthday cake, she began to think out loud and say “I need some knives, forks and plates…” This next part is extremely surprising to me, because I don’t remember it, and I’m amazed that I was alert enough to hear her comments and then immediately respond by proclaiming “I NEED A WOMAN.” I’m sure to some it could be interpreted it as funny or silly, but I think at that point in the night and after already making a self deprecating comment (see above), that it was just hard to witness this type of cringe-worthy behavior. Upon hearing this story from her the next morning, I began to face-palm and could not believe the depths of my pathetic nature.
Reasons Why Girl’s Won’t Date Me #3 - I Play Rock Band/Guitar Hero
I still remember the exact moment when Guitar Hero came into my life. A close friend of mine had just received some scholarship money for college in the form of a check made out in his name. Quick trip to his bank, and the money was his for the spending.
So of course being the nerds that we are, we went straight to Target and purchased Guitar Hero. Countless hours were spent simulating masturbation on that plastic guitar. We took turns by the way since Guitar Hero was originally a 1 player game, so one guy would play and everyone else would watch him simulate masturbation on this plastic guitar.
These plastic instruments basically transform me into an asshole.
In the many years since then, I have to say that these plastic video game instruments with colorful buttons have still had a major presence in my life. I remember living in the dorms my first two years of college, and having two Guitar Hero controllers. I would play during the wee hours of the morning before my midterms or final exams, in an attempt to relax and calm myself before the inevitable cramming. My roommates would dread the clicking noises that came from these colorful buttons on the plastic guitar which would keep them awake or unfocused during dire times.
This is not to say that I’m impressive on guitar hero or anything just because I have been playing it for awhile. I’m merely okay at it, and have reached my plateau in the status of in between hard and expert difficulties. This is still enough to impress casual gamers because they are overwhelmed by the number of colors flying at them, however true gamers will probably scoff at my sloppy unrefined technique.
One particularly embarrassing story that proves I am an outright asshole is when I first pre-ordered Rock Band and it arrived at my house. I brought it over to my (then) girlfriend’s family’s house, so we could all play together. I spent time setting up everything and calibrating the instruments and making sure the cables would output to HD quality. When we started playing, everyone was super psyched and excited about playing the game, creating characters and enjoying the entire experience. I on the other hand wanted nothing else but to actually progress through the game, and unlock songs. People didn’t know the words to the songs (which frustrated me to no end), instruments were failing left and right, and I was forced to try and pull it together so the band didn’t fail as a whole.
I think there’s a video that one of her cousins took of us playing the game. She probably wanted to take the video to show everyone how cool Rock Band was and post it to social networking sites etc. Instead this video that exists somewhere consists of me yelling “STAR POWER NOW!” repeatedly at the entire group as we were on the verge of failling. I also go on to basically verbally coach everyone and urging everyone to stop failing all the time. I basically killed the mood and sucked out all the possible fun that could have been had playing this party game. Only later did I realize that I was being a royal asshat to everyone, and then I promptly apologized.
This should just say RELATIONSHIP FAILED, You lost 1 girlfriend, you prick!
However this still serves as an example of why girls won’t date me. I prioritize my gaming achievements in the virtual realm above the enjoyment and happiness of others in the physical realm.
Reasons Why Girls Won’t Date Me #2 - I Play Fantasy Basketball
Fantasy sports. It is a concept that mystifies and befuddles the common public. It was briefly mentioned in a scene from the movie Knocked Up. Paul Rudd’s character sneaks away from his wife for a night, and she is suspicious and suspects that he is cheating on her. When she follows him to a stranger’s house, she expects to see him with a mistress, but instead, he is with his friends at a sausage-fest live fantasy baseball draft, with a bunch of other married men who are looking to escape their wives so they can shoot the shit and nerd over sports statistics.
I first started playing fantasy baseball when I was in 4th grade. I had relatively no knowledge of how to play but I ended up getting 4th place in a league of 12 managers. The thrill of being able to track so many players, trade them, drop them, and control team is basically any sports fans wet dream. Basically sports fans usually root for one team, usually their hometown favorites. However with fantasy sports, you are able to have multiple players on multiple teams, allowing you to become more immersed in the sport of your choice. Basically fantasy sport’s target audience is the middle aged man who has no time for other hobbies that include real physical activity. I am glad to be associated with this demographic, as it will work wonders in attracting the opposite sex.
I stopped playing fantasy sports in high school, but I started to play fantasy basketball again when I started college. In my first year, I did terribly. In my second year I got first place in a small league with friends. This past year, I placed second place in a much more competitive league with 12 players. This year, I’m in another league with 10 managers all of whom are mutual friends.
I honestly don’t think fantasy sports are that bad of a thing, but there is such a negative stigma attached to fantasy sports. I don’t think people quite understand my reactions when I have been watching basketball games, only to curse at the players on my fantasy team because they have made mistakes leading to turnovers, missed free throws, or other detrimental fantasy basketball statistics.
Reasons Why Girls Won’t Date Me #1 - Obscure Nerdy Jokes
If it hasn’t been too glaringly apparent in my posts yet, I am very fond of obscure nerdy inside jokes, hence all the hotlinking to UrbanDictionary, Wikipedia, and IMDB to reiterate all these abstract references.
One of my favorite running jokes that highlights this highly obscure sense of humor came from a friend of mine and deals with the video game Crysis. He explains:
It all started because I lived with a programmer, and my best friend is an avid gamer. They are both pretty up on all things tech, and they were joking one day about how being able to run Crysis had become the benchmark test of gaming hardware on certain forums.
They showed my girlfriend and I some in-game video of nerdy gamers exploiting the physics rendering capabilities of the game, and somewhere along the line, someone generalized the “can it run Crysis?” thing to some other non-computer related object.
“Dude, this Waffle is so fucking good. For six dollars I get all this food: a waffle, two sausages, two eggs…”
“No way dude. This fucking omelette is balls out. Goat cheese? Mozzarella? Avocado?”
“Yeah, but can it run Crysis?”
Anyways, so this is how the generalization of the term “…but can it run Crysis?” occurred. My favorite usage of the term was to rate women and it would usually end up sounding something like “Yeah she’s pretty good looking, but can she run Crysis?”
So the joke seems like it would end there right? Wrong.
Below is the movie that my friend mentioned earlier, highlighting some barrel explosions showcasing the physics system in the game. (Note: Mute the video before pressing play if you do not want to be deafened by obnoxious music)
Towards the end of the clip, the uploader explains how he has to look away every 2 seconds from the giant explosion or else his system would crash. This gives you an example of how insane the graphics in Crysis were at the time.
So another obscure joke/reference was born with another one of my friends. My friend and I usually find ourselves crawling through the streets of Koreatown to observe the local populace in their natural environment. The abundance of beautiful women in Koreatown is well noted.
So one night, my friend and I were walking the streets of K-town in a drunken stupor, and I confessed to him that I could not look at the flocks of attractive women in the streets for more than 2 seconds or else my system would crash.
Sure enough to this day, we try not to look at attractive women for more than 2 seconds, out of grave fear for the effects on our central nervous systems.
