Girl That I Would Like To Date #5 - Kim Deal
Going to a Pixies concert later tonight, so here’s a double-dose of related material.
What she looks like:
Claim to fame:
Bassist for Pixies
Front woman and lead guitarist of The Breeders
Proponent/founder of the “All Wave” method of recording
Why we should date:
I mean in her heyday, Kim Deal was hot shit. Besides being in one of the most influential alternative rock bands of all time, she also broke free and did her own thing and had a critically acclaimed record in a separate band with her twin sister.
To demonstrate the far reaching influence she had, the Japanese band The Pillows titled one of their songs “Kim Deal” to honor her. Also The Dandy Warhols sang “Just want a girl as cool as Kim Deal” on one of their songs.
Kim Deal was just all around pretty awesome. Listen to some of her bass riffs from her days in the Pixies and you can understand the musical influence she had on the band. I also pretty much love her because she probably hates auto-tune as much as I do (see All Wave recording method mentioned above).
Her vocals are really endearingly sweet with a hint of tough girl raspiness to them and songs like Gigantic and Divine Hammer really showcase this.
So while she may not be the prettiest girl on my list so far, I feel like Kim Deal is probably one of the coolest chicks.
Why it would never work out:
She smokes a lot of cigarettes….
…she probably drinks more than me
….and she looks like this now.
Girl That I Would Like To Date #4 - Ellen Page
What she looks like:
Claim to fame:
Being teh preggers in Juno
Playing Chris Hansen to the extreme in Hard Candy
Running through walls in X-Men 3
Why we should date:
We could talk endlessly about the blogosphere.
How cool would it be to hang out at the Xavier Academy and make out with her in the danger room?Because this picture of her exists:
Why it would never work out:
She would get knocked up and then awkward hilarity would result between us. At least I think that’s what happens in real life, right?
She’s Canadian.
She could possibly be lesbian.
She might try to castrate me.
Girl That I Would Like To Date #3 - American Apparel Employee
What they look like:
Note: It was very difficult for me to find suitable pictures of American Apparel models that were fully clothed. And by difficult I mean extremely enjoyable.
Claim to fame:
Standing behind the counter and acting cute
Talking about how they were into American Apparel way before it was big or mainstream
Why we should date:
We would most likely have the same taste in music/movies
Hookups and discounts to American Apparel swag
Why it would never work out:
Any combination of the following:
- She would be a model in sexually provocative advertisements.
- Get busted in a federal raid
- Compromise herself to Dov Charney in an attempt to get a raise or promotion.
This would just result in me hating and blaming myself for everything that went wrong in our relationship.
Sidenote:
A similar situation occurrs in the graphic novel Shortcomings. Ben Tanaka sees his sorta ex-girlfriend in a photo advertisement, then loses his shit when he confronts her.
Girl That I Would Like To Date #2 - Any Girl from AsianPoses.com
What they look like:
Claim to fame:
No, AsianPoses.com is not an adult fetish site, but simply a database of all the cutesy typical poses that Asian girls tend to emulate in photos.
Why we should date:
We would make cute babies.
I think I’m seriously in love with the louder girl.
And I’m pretty sure she loves me back.
Why it would never work out:
Language barrier?
They probably don’t have a green card.
Not too bright.
I would go crazy having to look at these poses in the context of everyday life. Seriously, anime style nosebleeds for days.
Girl That I Would Like To Date #1 - Zooey Deschanel
What she looks like:
Claim to fame:
Various film/TV roles as quirky female charactersBeing one half of She & Him
Married to Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie
Why we should date:
I would be able to meet all of her indie rock buddies.She sings excellent cover songs
Possibility of a ménage à trois with her sister!
Why it would never work out:
I was always attracted to her ever since I first saw her in The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (there goes my inner elitist and my “I knew about her before you did” attitude) and equally impressed when I saw her in Almost Famous. However, I was also unnerved by the characters she would play and their tendency to be quite frankly, bitches.
In The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy she basically leaves the cheeky protagonist Arthur Dent for the loathsome Zaphod Beeblebrox.
In The Happening, there is relationship tension between her character and Marky Marky due to her alleged infidelity. And although I don’t care too much about Mark Wahlberg, I do not approve of her dicking around with others and then coming back to him and apologizing only when it becomes apparent that the apocalypse is occurring.
And of course in (500) Days of Summer, she plays the quirky bitch that every body seems to want to fall in love with. Also I blame her for luring me to watch this movie fresh from a painful breakup, armed with a bottle of peach ale and Sapporo. Without a proper bottle opener, I used my keys to open the can of peach ale, and promptly sliced open my fingers when the keys slipped. I was bleeding profusely throughout the entire movie. Thanks a lot Summer, you bitch.
